...my life was forever changed...not a day...or a moment...goes by that I don't think about my dad...this evening on the way to Camryn's soccer game we went to visit my dad to give him the gift that Mason had made last year for him but never got the chance to give him...when I pulled the still wrapped candle out of the closet from last year...I cried...on one side of the white bag Mason had drawn what appeared to be a very angry face...and on the other side...a very sad one :'(
..one year later...
...I think that no one will ever understand what I felt that evening as I watched my dad take his last breath, but I do know that my mom and sisters...they also share this deep loss and terrible pain that just seems like happened yesterday and will not go away...just as that song came on the radio, a sense of peace started to fill the room and as he began to slowly take his last breath the lyrics sang out...I try to hold on to this world with everything I have, but I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab...the many trials that seems to never end...His word declares this truth that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew...
...this last year has changed me...I have cried more than I even though imaginable...I think that some people in my life haven't been able to deal with that...and well until you've had to deal with a loss like this you will never understand this type of sadness and pain. As my mom has put it many times, Life Goes On...just not the same way as before...everything about my life has changed since my dad has passed away. I miss talking with him when something exciting has happened or I need to share an accomplishment of the kids' or I need his advice. I always loved getting his advice even if he told me something I didn't want to hear. This last year I've missed him the most at {Birthday's} where he would always light the candles and at holidays when we'd make food...just to hear him say it tastes great! ...always wanting to please him!
I have said it now probably a thousand times that I was lucky to have such a great dad...a dad who was always there for me! ...but in this healing process I am just not moving along fast enough...I am terribly sad a lot of the time. Right before my latest surgery I had a dream and in this dream I got to see my dad and I just didn't want this dream to end. I was so happy to see him and even more happy to have him talk to me, but then it ended and once again that sadness took over...
...my dad kept telling me over and over to take better care of myself...to try and deal with my stress...to not sweat the small stuff...that it would make me sick...and over this last year I have literally been slapped in the face with one thing after another...two surgeries since May...the scary reality of a mass being removed...then another biopsy scheduled...and all I could hear was my dad saying you are going to be okay...but you need to start taking better care of yourself! I think I need to make some major changes in the coming year...
...I have learned a lot over the last year...but what I hope for the most...is that I will take everything that my dad taught me...and I will be the best parent to my children that I can be...they will grow up to be caring and loving and giving individuals and to them FAMILY is EVERYTHING.
...tonight when we went to visit my dads grave...Mason finally got to give him his gift from last year...Ben graciously lit the candle...several tears were shed...then we left and headed out to Camryn's soccer game...I told Camryn EVERY goal tonight would be for Papa...she scored SIX GOALS for him...we miss him more and more every day! I find peace in the fact that I know he is no longer suffering...and that he is free from that horrible disease...the very selfish part of me wants him back more than anything...but I know that someday we will all be together again and I find great happiness in that...until then I will continue to live my life in the way that he raised me...I will do the same for my children...I will love him and honor him...my dad...my hero...
...{recently} I was given this poem...I think that reading things helps you to cope...but it doesn't make the pain go away...this was beautifully written...
It doesn't seem to to get any better...
but it doesn't get any worse, either.
For that I am thankful.
There are no more pictures to be taken...
but there are memories to be cherished.
For that, I am thankful.
There is a missing chair at the table...
but the circle of family gathers close.
For that I am thankful.
The turkey is smaller...
but there is still stuffing.
For that I am thankful.
The pain is still there...
but it only lasts moments.
For that, I am thankful.
The calendar still turns, the holidays still appear
And they still cost too much...
but I am still here.
For that I am thankful.
The room is still empty, the soul still aches...
but the heart remembers.
For that, I am thankful.
The guests still come, the dishes pile up...
but the dishwasher works.
For that, I am thankful.
The name is still missing, the words still unspoken...
but the silence is shared.
For that, I am thankful.
The snow still falls, the sled still waits,
and the spirit still wants to...
For that, I am thankful.
The stillness remains...
but the sadness is smaller.
For that, I am thankful.
The moment is gone...
but the love is forever.
For that, I am blessed.
For that, I am grateful...
Love was once and still is
A part of my being...
for that, I am living.
I am living...and for that, I am thankful.
