One year ago today...

...my life was forever changed...not a day...or a moment...goes by that I don't think about my dad...this evening on the way to Camryn's soccer game we went to visit my dad to give him the gift that Mason had made last year for him but never got the chance to give him...when I pulled the still wrapped candle out of the closet from last year...I cried...on one side of the white bag Mason had drawn what appeared to be a very angry face...and on the other side...a very sad one :'(

 

..one year later...

...I think that no one will ever understand what I felt that evening as I watched my dad take his last breath, but I do know that my mom and sisters...they also share this deep loss and terrible pain that just seems like happened yesterday and will not go away...just as that song came on the radio, a sense of peace started to fill the room and as he began to slowly take his last breath the lyrics sang out...I try to hold on to this world with everything I have, but I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab...the many trials that seems to never end...His word declares this truth that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew...

 

...this last year has changed me...I have cried more than I even though imaginable...I think that some people in my life haven't been able to deal with that...and well until you've had to deal with a loss like this you will never understand this type of sadness and pain. As my mom has put it many times, Life Goes On...just not the same way as before...everything about my life has changed since my dad has passed away. I miss talking with him when something exciting has happened or I need to share an accomplishment of the kids' or I need his advice. I always loved getting his advice even if he told me something I didn't want to hear. This last year I've missed him the most at {Birthday's} where he would always light the candles and at holidays when we'd make food...just to hear him say it tastes great! ...always wanting to please him!

 

I have said it now probably a thousand times that I was lucky to have such a great dad...a dad who was always there for me! ...but in this healing process I am just not moving along fast enough...I am terribly sad a lot of the time. Right before my latest surgery I had a dream and in this dream I got to see my dad and I just didn't want this dream to end. I was so happy to see him and even more happy to have him talk to me, but then it ended and once again that sadness took over...

 

...my dad kept telling me over and over to take better care of myself...to try and deal with my stress...to not sweat the small stuff...that it would make me sick...and over this last year I have literally been slapped in the face with one thing after another...two surgeries since May...the scary reality of a mass being removed...then another biopsy scheduled...and all I could hear was my dad saying you are going to be okay...but you need to start taking better care of yourself! I think I need to make some major changes in the coming year...

 

...I have learned a lot over the last year...but what I hope for the most...is that I will take everything that my dad taught me...and I will be the best parent to my children that I can be...they will grow up to be caring and loving and giving individuals and to them FAMILY is EVERYTHING.

 

...tonight when we went to visit my dads grave...Mason finally got to give him his gift from last year...Ben graciously lit the candle...several tears were shed...then we left and headed out to Camryn's soccer game...I told Camryn EVERY goal tonight would be for Papa...she scored SIX GOALS for him...we miss him more and more every day! I find peace in the fact that I know he is no longer suffering...and that he is free from that horrible disease...the very selfish part of me wants him back more than anything...but I know that someday we will all be together again and I find great happiness in that...until then I will continue to live my life in the way that he raised me...I will do the same for my children...I will love him and honor him...my dad...my hero... 

 

 

 

...{recently} I was given this poem...I think that reading things helps you to cope...but it doesn't make the pain go away...this was beautifully written...

It doesn't seem to to get any better...
but it doesn't get any worse, either.
For that I am thankful.

There are no more pictures to be taken...
but there are memories to be cherished.
For that, I am thankful.

There is a missing chair at the table...
but the circle of family gathers close.
For that I am thankful.

The turkey is smaller...
but there is still stuffing.
For that I am thankful.

The pain is still there...
but it only lasts moments.
For that, I am thankful.

The calendar still turns, the holidays still appear
And they still cost too much...
but I am still here.
For that I am thankful.

The room is still empty, the soul still aches...
but the heart remembers.
For that, I am thankful.

The guests still come, the dishes pile up...
but the dishwasher works.
For that, I am thankful.

The name is still missing, the words still unspoken...
but the silence is shared.
For that, I am thankful.

The snow still falls, the sled still waits,
and the spirit still wants to...
For that, I am thankful.

The stillness remains...
but the sadness is smaller.
For that, I am thankful.

The moment is gone...
but the love is forever.
For that, I am blessed.
For that, I am grateful...

Love was once and still is
A part of my being...
for that, I am living.

I am living...and for that, I am thankful.

...school has been keeping me pretty busy...but I think finally I might be settling in (notice I said "I" because lord knows they sure haven't started too...lol...recently I was able to sit down and make some new digital LOs...and WOW...all I can say is...I really have missed this!!!

I LOVE MY FAMILY: for this LO I used an {amazing} kit called Birds of a Feather by Design by Dani

 

...this one might be a {NEW FAVORITE} ...I used: Jenni Bowlin's Jeweled Butterflies, SahlinStudio: Fleetwood Kit, Echo Park: Dots & Strips Jewel, Other: Digital Stamp by Karla Dudley

 

...this year at the pumpkin patch was bittersweet...for this LO I used: LivE: TheBootiful Kit, Becky Higgins PL: Clementine Edition, Other: Tag by Vinnie Pearce, Note Card by Gina Miller

 

...it was finally about time I started to do something with these pictures from our trip to Indiana...I used: Jennie Bowlin: TownSquare PP, LivE Brown Bagger Vol.2, SahlinStudio Fleetwood Kit and Frame.

 Today's Digital Scrapbooking Day...and I plan on participating!!! I hope you do too :)

...I can't get started to early...or can I?

...sometimes have assignments forces us to get stuff done early! My Christmas Card is complete...and it's only September...gotta ♥ that! Brand NEW digital Echo Park {Happy Holidays} **coming soon**  to JessicaSprague.com 

 

Photo By Sunny Wright Photography

 

...and I even bought two Christmas presents today! ...wish I could say I was on a roll...but I really feel like I am WAY BEHIND...an I will never get caught up...here's hoping I am WRONG!!!

WOW!!! It's been awhile since I have shared...

...and I do have stuff to share...just NO TIME to share it...since I have a few minutes this morning...I will go ahead and share these...I literally threw these together for the kid's teachers this year...just a quick little gift for them...to let them know that I am wishing them a great year...Camryn and Mason have great teacher's this year...and Ben's has a awesome Home Room and Science Teacher... (yes...I can say that she's my friend...love ya Maren!!!)

...I really hope the kids and their teachers have a great year!!! ...I also made my teaching partners a little something...a {Thank You} for all their help and support the first week of school...it really is so nice to be working with such amazing staff!

...I know I have made more cards that I haven't shared...but right now I can only find this one! I apologize for it being a bit blurry...

Have a great weekend! ...and I hope to share more stuff soon!

Mason turns {8}

This last weekend we celebrated Mason's 8th Birthday! When I look at this sweet face not only do I not see 8 years flash before my eyes...

I also see what an amazing, strong little man he is! I knew this question would be coming sooner or later...and last week Mason finally asked me..."Mom, why am I so small?" ...we were out in public when he asked so I was not only a bit shocked...but I needed to make sure I could hold all my emotions together. I just looked down at him and his sweet face and said the first thing that came to mind..."well Mason, because I was!" ...he just looked at me with a strange look on his face...and for those that know me...I may not be so small now but I used to be...lol...Camryn who is only 9, she is basically the size I was when I was Ben's age and Ben is the size I am now...he's only 12...I'm not sure where those two are getting their size...ok back to Mason...I told him he was going to grow...I promise. He asked when? I said, "When you grow up to be big like Daddy." ...he then asked, "Well how big?" ...and I thought for a second...and I said very matter of factly... "...as big as Papa..." ...and he said, "...well how big was that?" I almost lost it at that point...it hasn't been that long...how can he have already forgotten? ...but I  just need to keep in mind that he's a child...it's been almost 8 months and my Dad was bedridden for almost a month before he died. ...and just like that our conversation was over. I held it together...Mason seemed content with the answers he got. It wasn't until later that I was by myself going over the conversation with him again in my mind that I did completely lost it...

...as Mason's B-day approached I found myself dreading it...for the same reason I dreaded Camryn's Birthday back in February...who was going to light the candles...that was and always has been my Dad's job!

Well it was time to light Mason's B-day candles and I was frantically looking everywhere for them...I couldn't find them anywhere! I think my Dad was just trying to help me get through this...once again..to "not sweat the small stuff" ...we never found any candles, but we did find a left over sparkler from the 4th of July! ...and we were able to sing Happy Birthday to Mason!

... it kinda looks like Mason thought it might explode! lol ...actually it was just windy! Mason had a great Birthday...he got exactly what he wanted and hasn't stopped playing with it!

Materials Used {HERE}

...here are my July LOs for JessicaSprague.com

...and if you are still on the fence about trying digital scrapbooking...you should really giving it a try...THERE'S NO MESS...and you are still able to document all your family events and unforgetable moments. The best part for me is the NO MESS!!! This first LO is one of {my family} one of many professional photos taken recently by an amazing photographer! We all loved our time with her...

Materials Used {HERE}

 ...this next one is of our super cute friend Ashlynn...who recently lost her front teeth!

Materials Used {HERE}

...as the first day of school is quickly approaching...I pulled Mason's 1st day of School picture from the 1st grade and made this LO...it's so hard to believe he is about to enter 3rd grade! (funny thing is...he doesn't look much different).

Materials Used {HERE}

 ...this summer we've done SO much soccer! 3 nights a week in fact...soccer camp for a week/3 hours and day...plus multiple tournaments...Camryn has played in tournaments in Pasco, Yakima, Portland, and we are getting ready to play in Spokane and then we are heading back to Portland...one more week of soccer and two more tournaments to go...and then we get a little break :)

Materials Used {HERE}

Thanks for stopping by...

...this could be a new favorite!

...well here's the first of many new LOs of the recent family photos we had taken...

Sunny did a fantastic job on all of our photos!

Materials Used {HERE}

I can't wait to do more...

...another Father's Day...

...we did a little celebrating all weekend...had lunch with Stuart's brothers on Saturday afternoon before one of them headed back out of state again...it was so good to have everyone together again...even if it was just for a little while...

...and on Sunday we missed our Dad's :'( ...it was a tough day...we started the day by visiting the cemetery...I made our dad's each one of these because I know how much they both LOVED golf and honestly I just could not make them something...

...ended the day standing on the golf course...I took this picture of Rattlesnake Mountain...looking at the sun as it was starting to go down...seeing exactly what my Dad would be seeing if he would have been on the golf course at that exact moment...the desert to my left and his favorite hole to my right...some moments of that awkward laughing...and again memories I will always cherish...I really HATE all these firsts...the first Father's Day without him...all I hoped for is he was standing beside us today...guiding us...and helping us get through the day...

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.( John 14:27)

***************************************************************************

The kids and I got Stuart some new OAKLEY's for Father's Day...he really needed some new sunglasses...Stuart really liked them...and was quite surprised!  Here's a digital LO I made today with a picture of Stuart and the kids taken yesterday...

Materials Used {HERE}

I also made Stuart one of these too for his office...

Materials Used {HERE}

I hope everyone had a nice Father's Day too!

Look who is turning {5}

I have been honored to have been a part of JessicaSprague.com for the last couple of years and design for them and I can hardly believe they are turning 5! They have planned a HUGE party to celebrate!!! You will NOT WANT TO MISS THIS...each day brings something new...something FUN!!! ...you can find out more information by clicking {HERE}.

{LOVE} this...

...time to go reach some goals...